dun dun duun Kaname is
by kulisu
Summary: A pure crack fic. Don't read if you're a diehard Kaname fan. I don't need Kaname fan mobs outside my window every morning. Kaname's hiding a secret from everyone. But what is it... Rated T  for scenes to come. I think.
1. OMG, Kaname's secret is weird! PIIIEEEE!

**Hi! This is my first upload, so please be kind about it. I have one OC in here, though her reactions and thoughts are the same as mine would be... So, she's me in OC form. Does anybody else NEED help? 'Cuz all of this is loosely based off of my life...**

**Disclaimer: Uhh, there are two of these. One: I own Vampire Knight if your grandma has slaughtered me. I doubt she has, but who knows... Two: I was suprisingly NOT on anything when I wrote this (as far as I know) and this is what goes on in my mind on a normal day. Now, on with the fiction! FOR NARNIA! - Don't own that, either...  
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Yuuki looked up at Sayori from her test results. "I got under 35% _again?_" She sighed.

"A much more preferrable form of torture would be to listen to Nyan Cat for 24 hours straight. At least I don't have to hug Kaname."

"And why wouldn't you like that?" Sayori questioned. "I thought you liked him and his company. Not that I do, but..."

Yuuki looked down, shocked and hurt at what her friend had said. "Well, it's not that I don't like him; he scares me. And also, if Zero ever saw the punishment he'd kill Kaname without hesitation." "That would be quite convenient..." Sayori mumbled, relieved that her friend didn't notice.

"Well, anyway. You should go to the Moon Dorms. Your punishment is waiting for you." She looked up and smiled at Yuuki.

The response she got was, "Yeah. See ya." Yuuki muttered this as she walked out.

_'She's acting stranger than usual.' _Sayori thought. _'And I have to find out why.'_

"Wait for meeeee!" I yelled.

Oh, sorry, I haven't introduced myself yet, have I? Well, hi. I'm Kuri.

I'm a first year at the Cross I'm also a prefect. Though I get along better with Zero, probably because we both plot assasinations...

Anyway, back to subject! Uhhh... Appearence! You guys want to know, right? Well, I have reeeeaaaally long, dark, brown hair. It's so dark it looks black. My complexion is somthing I can't explain. Don't ask about it, either. Oh, I always keep my hair down.

My eyes are weird. They're, like, completly white. No iris or pupil. It makes being a prefect a lot easier. It's like, I turn around and they run away from me. EPIC.

My clothing style... I never wear the school uniform, even though it's against the rules. I just wear a black shirt and jeans every day. I think the reason I don't wear the uniform is because I hate skirts.

Ohh, ohh, personality. I'm crazy, stupid, evil, nice, masochistic(no other way to describe it, buddy), ecstatic, FOOOOOOODD, I like to kill people, tomboyish, cute and basically a mix of Ichijou and Zero.

My hunters weapon is :UNAMED; so I'll just describe it. MY. FRICKIN. MIND. I can read minds and use mind control and have those weird eyes and I'm still a human. Crazy. Back to life.

Both looked up at me, freaking out, yet again, at my epic eyes. "Well, what are we waiting for?" I asked "Time to kill Kaname!"

"HEY!" I think Yuuki was offended "Whatever..." I muttered. The three of us walked off to the Moon Dorm, all with different intentions...

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, when we got in, we saw Kaname. Yuuki asked us to go away, then Kana-pyon(I give him that nickname to embarass him) spoke up.

"It's okay, Yuuki. I was only gonna make an announcment."

I stared in anticipation, wanting to embarass him. Yuuki didn't do anything of significance. And Sayori walked out saying "Screw this..."

"Oohh, just a sec." I reached into my bag and pulled out a perfect pizza, in the shape of a bomb. "Continue."

"Well, you see, Yuuki... I am a girl."

"That's no surprise." I said. "There are only a couple of things I'm wondering. One: Because you always held Yuuki dear, does that make you lez? Two: Because Yuuki always had a crush on you, that makes her lez, right? Ohh, one more question. Does this mean you're gonna be Zero's girlfriend now?"

"Kuri," Yuuki scowled (at me, duh)"in-a-pro-pri-ate."

"Whatever," I found this syllable-ish voice of hers very annoying "just shut up with the 'Twilight fangirl voice,' and I _might_ listen to you."

Kana-pyon burst out, in a whiny voice "But _I'm _a Twilight fangirl! How dare you be mean to the smexy-ness of Edward!"

I couldn't say anything. I just stared at him, wide eyed, like he was a lunatic. Which he pretty much was.

Then, out of nowhere, Zero A.K.A Mr. HowamIatschoolwithgrannyhair, came in. He kicked over a trash can to _try_ and look epic, yet failed miserably.

He cackled, like a school girl on crack, at Kana-pyon being a girl. Well, what else would he have to be like that about?

Then he started to wear a wig, singing these words over and over. "I'm a singing dinosaur, I'm a singing dinosaur." He sang it like an opera singer with a cat in her throat. Yes, it was a girly voice. This went on for a couple of minutes, and eventually, I wanted to become an old lady. I have the weirdest intentions sometimes...

I shut Zero up by grabbing Artemis and shoving it in his mouth.

I noticed that I finished my pizza, so I took a box of chocolate out of my bag...

**Yes, a chocolate box is a plot device. Why? Because chocolate is yummy and will take over the world someday. Yes, even that singing dinosaur thing is based off real life, too. You now know why I'm a social outcast. Also based off of stereotypes. Umm, R and R? I guess, I'm not really obsessed with this stuff...**


	2. Wow that is just FANCY PANTS RULES!

**Chapter 2. For some unexplicable reason, for me, Chapter 1 is twice as long as the other Chapters. Anyway, on with the disclaimer of... incest.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own vampire Knight, but I own this plot. And I have a personal chocolate zombie slave. On with the non-working T key!  
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"...What?" I asked. For some reason, everyone was staring at me.

"Chocolate! Chocolate!" They all chanted.

"Ohhhhh, so you guys are chocolate zombies, huh? Here, have a pizza." They all took their pizzas and ate them. They were cured, so I went on with eating my chocolate.

"But," Yuuki sounded confused "How does Kaname-chan have such a manly voice, yet is a girl?"

"Simple." I replied, "Kana-pyon has swapped her voice with Zero's. To show you, Zero, say what you think about Kana-pyon."

"Well," he started replying in a really high, squeaky voice, "I think he-she is an annoying... well, I would say bastard, but she's not really subject to that, is she... Um, I think she has no life, just sitting around, thinking about Yuuki all day."

"O.O Looks like you're right, Kuri," Yuuki said, "She really did swap her voice with Zero's..."

"Yuuki..." I started "How do you use emoticons in your speach?" "No idea." She replied "Do you have any idea?" "Nope. Go ask the authoress." "Who's 'Authoress?'" "Never mind."

"Well," Kana-pyon spoke up, "Give me a second."

She switched her voice back with Zero's. A bit unfortunate, really.

That voice was like my eyes. Could scare the fangirls anytime. But now Zero's death glare was his main weapon again, which made him extremely happy. I wasn't.

Anyway, randomly, Kana-pyon glompped**(A/N Is that a word?) **me.

"Argh!" I screamed "Get off me, you lesbian freak!" She wouldn't get off, so I had to go to extremes. I had to... Call my elephant.

"Here, Fancy Pants!" I yelled, while trying to get Kana-pyon off me. Fancy Pants(I have the best pet names, do I not?) came running in holding a bag jelly beans.

"Fancy Pants! ATTACK!" I ordered, making sure to stop forcing Kana-pyon off of me.

Fancy Pants threw the bag of jelly beans at Kana-pyon's face, causing her to go blind.

I got her off of me. (Finally)

She ended up passing out, but since I didn't much care for her, I left it to Yuuki to get her to hospital. Yuuki took Kana-pyon to the emergency room, so I finally got a day to myself.

I smiled for a few seonds, then let out a huge cheer.

I got my friend, who was even dumber than Yuuki, to cosplay her for the day. She ended up getting Yuuki 0's in all subjects, so I'm happy.

I also got the chance to annoy Aidou-poopypantsbaka. (Yes, he will be called that every time, so GET USED TO IT GOD DAMMIT) I slipped some crack under his pillow while he was sleeping, so right now he's eating an alarm clock.

Yuuki thought my behaviour at the Academy was innapopriate, so she dragged me off to see Kana-pyon at the hospital.

"Eh?" I heard a voice out of nowhere "Is that you Kiryuu? What are you doing at the graveyard?" I soon recognized that it belonged to Kana-pyon.

"Uh, sorry, Kuri-chan..." Yuuki hesitated "She's been acting a bit... weird... all day. The good thing is thats he has sight back, so she should be bak to normal in a couple of days. ^^" "Again Yuuki, emoticons in speach." "Sorry..."

I decided _not_ to tell her I put crack under the pillows of _all_ the Night Class students...

**I tend to have weird plot points. Unfortunately, the alarm clock thing is real, too. It went like this. Me and my friend were eating chocolate chip cookies in my room. I just recieved my VK alarm clock. I wanted to check out the voice clips, but I pressed a choc chip, and started nawing my clock. It wasn't until my friend pointed it out, that I realised I was eating Kana-pyon, Aidou-poopypantsbaka, Zero, Yuuki, Kain, Ichijou and Shiki. ... *rofl* I just thought of a plot point for the next chapter. I'll see you next time! Remember kids, at this point, Kana-pyon wants you to flame me. 8D**


	3. Shut up, I'm LISTENING TO A DRAMA CD!

**I'm back~! Today I just got a VK drama CD, so sorry this chapter is so short, I just _had_ to listen to it~! It's mainly talking and essays, but they're Yuuki's essays, so they'll be good, trust me. Now, disclaimer time~!**

**Disclaimer: I may own VK, but only if I own both Oyasumi sets, which I don't! I also don't own Yuuki's test answers. Well, one of them, but...**

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><p>"Well, um, the Chairman should have you doing school work now, right?" I asked hesitantly.<p>

"...Right," Yuuki answered.

"Well," I started "could I check your answer?"

"Sure~," she said in a Chairman-like tone.

"What's it about?"

"We need to explain what a phrase of our choice means."

"Huh. You shouldn't be able to screw up _too_ bad at that."

I read it. You would not believe what it said. Here goes.

'A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's neck out'

'This quote means that if you help out instead of keeping to yourself, you can make some progress. For example, if you help the enviroment, it will make some progress, or some shit like that...' **(A/N These are actual essay answers given by children that I found on the internet. Wait, that sounded creepy. Gah!)**

"Wait... WHAT?" I yelled. "YOU CAN'T SAY 'SHIT' IN AN ESSAY! YOU'LL GET A REALLY LOW SCORE AND NOW YOU'RE JUST ACTING LIKE KANA-PYON! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Nothing, I just don't exactly know what it mea-"

"THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN THIS ONE! GET BACK OUT THERE AND CHOOSE AN EASIER IDIOM, SUCH AS 'YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS'! NOW!"

"Only if you stop speaking on caps lock, _mum_."

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Yuuki. As a matter of fact I am _not_ your mother, nor am I older than you. And speaking with a keyboard is impossible, unless we're in some kind of '_story_'."

"Anyway," I calmed down an started talking "I'll just give Kana-pyon her medicine. She should only take another couple of days to heal."

"I'll just work on a different essay, then," Yuuki said, sounding very scared. Anime scared, you know?

**1 hour later**

Yuuki came back into the room with another finished essay. This one was for something you want to learn about.

"Okay," I sighed, "let me proof read."

'I want to learn about the Milky Way, because ever since I ate the chocolate ber of it, I've been wondering.'

"You know what?" I said. "I can see the Chairman giving you 100% for this. Good work."

**1 essay completion later**

"This one's about what you'd say to get the thing you want the most."

'Pwease? Zewo? Kaname-chama? Pwease kish? Fow me? Hey wook! There'sh a Pikachu! He wantsh you two to kish! Okei?'

'Oh, um, translation for "Daddy"? Please? Zero? Kaname-sama? Please kiss? For me? Hey, look! It's a Pikachu! He wants you two to kiss! Okay?'**(A/N Duh! Of _course_ this is the one I made up! Do you really think a normal kid would have this in an essay?)  
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"Hm, smart," I started "but I prefer ZeroxShiki. But that's just me."

"Oh!" Yuuki was in shock; Kana-pyon just woke. "Um, could you read this? I wrote it before knew you were a girl..."

She showed him some ZeroxKana-pyon doujinshi. It looked _terrible_. I wonder what Kana-pyon thought of it...

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><p><strong>So, was this chapter good? I'm not asking for reviews, but if I get too much meaniness then I'll be happy! The way my mind works is strange! *is listening to akatsuki-kun's (really smexy) voice on the drama cd* Oh... Now Yuuki's lecturing Aidou. So fun to listen to... I prefered Akatsuki-kun's voice... Oh, well... I'll see you next chapter! Haha, Zero just tried to shoot Aidou...<strong>


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